How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
