She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize