I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
