Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
