I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
