Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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