Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
