Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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