So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
