nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
