she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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