I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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