peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
