Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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