Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I cannot find my penis.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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