Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
