Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
