ugly people sure do ruin things
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
