I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
