I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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