Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
