The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
