so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
