I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
