gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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