guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it glows. i had to have it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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