3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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