if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
