this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's blow job season.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
