he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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