Your mouth is God's brothel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
