i jhust puked up my retainher.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
