its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
