Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
