You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
