Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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