Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
