Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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