So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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