Someone shit on the floor
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this just has baby written all over it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
