it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
