$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
