we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
how does that bad decision feel?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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