I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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