our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
