I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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