Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
