I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
