thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
