I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
