Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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