i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
