so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
