why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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