it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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