you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
