I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
