My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
