Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
