at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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