please come you make the beer taste better
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
