Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
