also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
