Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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