I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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